May 7, 2010 12:07 pm
My husband is in surgery for a mass that was discovered in his right shoulder. We are at Stanford Hospital. Not sure of the nature of the mass. We've been told conflicting information as the biopsy was labeled "inconclusive." I pray that it is benign as one doctor said it was, another disagrees. It's been a long and stressful 3 1/2 months since the mass was discovered. There have been four different specialists we've been to see, all with different opinions as to the nature of the mass. This will be the definitive word. We will know today. The good news is after a few uncomfortable days following surgery he should have a lot less pain. It has been terribly painful for him, especially lately.
Another one of life's challenges.

We went to my oldest sister's 50th wedding anniversary party last night. Oh my, I can't believe that any of us are old enough. It was a lovely affair, all four of her children were there and their children. There was delicious food, the wine flowed in sync with my sister's tears. She kept saying how blessed her life has been, what a wonderful family, extended family, and friends they have. Who would have thought that a couple married at such young ages (she was 18!!!) would make it to their 50th anniversary. There was a woman there who'd gone to high school with my sister who was saying how everyone from their class had been divorced and remarried. What are the odds of a marriage lasting when one is so young, unformed, not having experienced the world?
I was very, very young when they were married. I remember the dress my sister wore, a white sheath, but little more. My memory of long ago comes back in photos, snapshots of an event. It's funny what one remembers and forgets. When my friends who I went to high school with and I get together we all seem to have different memories of the same event. If we could somehow pool everything together we might have the whole picture! I tend to remember events and conversations because of some feeling I had at the moment it occurred. It tends to be a strong feeling, i.e, shock, surprise, or something revealing of the person who made the comment. I'd like to know more about memory and where it is stored in our minds. Is there any way to access more memory? Is it filed away in our heads like a computer? I deeply regret that I can't remember every single moment of my son's early life. It was all so prescious to me. I get very nostalgic when I think of Alec as a young boy. I miss that boy who is now a man.

Mammograms

I had a mammogram today. I haven't had one in two years due to last year's shenanigans:) Funny how prior to my accident I gave little thought to test results, i.e. mammograms, pap smears, etc...I felt it was highly unlikely that anything could be wrong, "Not gonna happen to me, no way." Now, however, it's the opposite mind set. "I'll probably get a call from my doctor tomorrow telling me we need to have a chat." I worry about health matters - mine, my husband's, our son's. No more blissful naivete, for something bad came into our lives. It's as if I left the door open and this creature snuck in and changed my world, my outlook. Now I am painfully aware of shattering life crises.


Hopefully, and there is always that, I'll get a note with "no problems" checked. I will then be free to keep on moving forward, to try to leave the past behind. I've never been a real positive thinker. I learned when I was young to imagine what the worse thing that could happen is, and then I wouldn't be disappointed. It seemed whenever I thought positively, what I didn't want would occur. What is that all about? I know books have been written about the power of positive thinking, of how you make your own destiny, you are what you think, blah, blah. I've just never been able to harness that thought process. I wonder why that is. There are opptimists and pessimists, but how does it start? Is it chemicals in the brain, the way I was raised, my role-models? Probably both. But why so often in my life did the thought "Imagine the worst that could happen" seem to be a sort of insurance that controlled my fate?

Beautiful day

It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, birds are singing, a beautiful Carmel day. I went for a walk this morning with my wonderful friend Maria. We had breakfast in town and walked home along the beach. It was gorgeous down there, the water a lovely tourquoise blue. The happiest and luckiest dogs in the state were at the water's edge chasing each other, chasing balls. We are so blessed to be living here in Carmel, paradise.
Tomorrow is the Big Sur Marathon. The finish line is just a couple of blocks from our house. We usually get woken up nice and early by the loud speakers on the day of the race. I went to the grocery store which is right next to the finish line. As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I had this moment, a lightbulb moment, where it occured to me that I only have one arm. "What?" you say. I know, it's so weird. There are times when it just comes to me, this realization that I'm not "normal" that I don't look like everyone else. I look strange, I worry that I could freak out children, people look at me funny. Maybe people have always looked at me in a weird way and I just never noticed:) but it does make me feel self conscience.
Ok, that's it! No more pity party for me. I'm alive, I almost didn't make it. I live in paradise, I have a wonderful family, great friends, and only on occasion do I feel my age. So, be happy. I've chosen happiness and most of the time I succeed in maintaining it. It's just sometimes I lose focus and have to remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for.

Being my first time on the blog scene, I'm not quite sure I'll be doing it correctly. So, I guess I'll just write and see where it goes.
As most of you will know, I am a one-armed person. Or, as I often refer to myself "appendage challenged" or "limb challenged." Please know that I feel that just about everything goes better with a sense of humor. So, you may find me making light of my situation. It, of course, does not mean that I find being like I now am easy or funny. Obviously, it is not quite but almost is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with (more about the trully most difficult later.)
So, I am living with one arm. It will be a year, on June 27, since the accident that took my arm and completely changed my life occured. There is hardly anything about my life that hasn't changed since then. From the most mundane, every day tasks, to the more complex actions, nothing remains as it was prior to June 27, 2009.
I will take up more later. Guess I probably don't need to tell you that ~ see what I mean about being a newbie?